Three is hard

Wow - we're only a week into having and three year old and I'm EXHAUSTED. I feel like she's gotten older overnight, and yet, also so much younger.

She needs me a lot - as in, going potty, helping with her food, just holding my hand while I'm driving. It's endearing. It's frustrating. And it's kind of odd. It could be a bit of jealousy / acting out about Katie - and yet, I don't really feel like it is.

If I could play psychoanalyst for a second, I'd say it's almost like she's resisting growing up. Maybe so many changes and so many things are going on in her head that she's needing these more baby moments to feel grounded?

For now I've decided to have patience with her (mostly) and let her work through it on her own. But I am looking forward to the day where I can eat dinner without having to "help" someone else with theirs. That will be ... oh... six years from now I suppose?

xxoo.S

Same-same, but different

A girlfriend of mine traveled through Thailand a few years ago, and in her attempt to be as open-minded as possible, tried many of their culinary delights. In one restaurant she was a little trepidatious about what had been set in front of her (and the language barriers made her a little uncertain as to just what she was ordering most times). She asked the waitress, "Is this chicken?" The waitress responded, "Oh yes, chicken. Same-same,, but different." Apparently it was not so much on the "same-same", and a whole lot on the "different". (Don't ask me what it was, I don't think she ever really found out)

When she told a group of us the story, we all howled with laughter, and now "same-same, but different" is part of our everyday vernacular.

Raising a second daughter just two and a half years after my first, I get a lot of "same-same, but different" moments.

• Walking slowly, quietly up the stairs, with a swaddled bundle in my arms. Her body limp from a voracious feed, eyes fluttering with REM and her little mouth gaping open, breathing her little milk breath onto my arm.
• The little grunts and sighs and whimpers only the smallest ones make while they sleep fitfully in your arms. Knowing she is close to awakening, I don't bother trying to attempt the crib. Instead, enjoy the feeling, the smell, the warmth of her body snuggled against my chest.
• The cries - rising in a crescendo - so quickly they get annoyed, frustrated, angry at being left that one minute too long in the bouncy chair, on the playmat, in their crib. Oh the temper in one so tiny.
• Clenched fists. Enthusiastic little fist pumps. Jerky arm motions that get more and more determined to capture attention.
• The cross-eyed look of intent concentration while fist is brought to mouth and fingers are chewed on, drooled on.
• The look of pure joy. Unadulterated, innocent, pure bliss in a baby smile. They smile with their eyes first, and then slowly it spreads down to their cheeks, into a gummy little grin. Is there anything more innocent and pure than a baby's wide grin?

Isn't it incredible how similar babies are? And at the same time totally different? It's like deja vu, but with something a little changed.

Same-same, but different.

xxoo.S

Snippets

• Remember the neighbour girl that I told you about? Maddie's new BFF? She came over for a playdate last weekend. It was adorable to watch Maddie's eager anticipation for it to begin - and even though the little girl didn't want to do much more than craft the whole time (she even brought her own supplies!), and Maddie's interest in crafting went to zero within about 10 minutes in, she still had a fabulous time. Isn't it amazing how the most influential voice to our kids is other kids? I sat and watched as Maddie mimicked and repeated almost everything this other girl said. Possibly the most agreeable I have ever seen her...
• My magical sleeping baby has disappeared and been replaced with the magical gassy baby. I cannot pin down what the hell I am eating that is making her so gassy - but all sorts of memories of Maddie as a baby have come back and slapped me in the face. And how I had limited my diet down to essentially toast, crackers and a little bit of jam - and yeah. I'm not sure I can do that again. I wish there was a diet you could follow that would ensure your baby didn't have gas. But according to Google, that's impossible. Screw you Google...
• I love the shorthand-speak that old, really old, friends have. This past Saturday I hosted some old highschool (and one uni) friends for lunch and I'm not sure any of us ever finished a sentence. We don't get to see each other very often (even less so, now that I moved out of the city), but when we do the lazy, easy, comfortable rhythm just picks up where we left off. I feel blessed to still have such old (and good) friends still in my life.
• I'm finally doing something about trying to line up some longer-term daycare for Madds. We have daycare for August figured out (well, the last 2 weeks, and it`s only part-time - and yes, I could rant on and on about this) - and potentially something with the same provider for the fall. And yet, I still have a bit of a pit in my stomach about it. And so I'm (finally) getting off my ass and trying to actively line something else up for her. And have I mentioned how effing terrified I am to have her home with me and the bebe even just part-time? I love her to bits, but omg to the terrible twos and the toddler energy and the potty training and the demands for More!Dora!Mommy! and I just want to sleep so badly....z.z.z.z..z..zzz.....
• Remember when I told you about planting my berry bushes (it was a berry exciting post, I'm surprised if you don't recall it)... well, we (the Hubs) ate our very first raspberry this weekend. And after having my head buried in life after newborn, I actually pulled it out from underneath the covers enough to check out the rest of the garden, and holy shit there's a zucchini out there the size of my inner thigh (meaty!)... I guess I have to start harvesting and making shit. Zucchini recipes anyone?
• I'm so bored with TV already - I have no idea how I did this before. As much as I relish the freedom of having Maddie in full-time daycare right now, and am enjoying this newborn veg-out stage that I know needs to end very soon - the actual TV-watching-portion is effing boring. I know it's summer and all - but I've actually resorted to watching Jersey Shore on Rogers On Demand. I've sunk to a new low. Must get out and start renting some of those shows that I always wanted to get into but never did... Dexter and I definitely have a date before July is over.

Yeah, that's all I've got right now - taking the rest of my nap-fueled freedom to eat some more toast. And hopefully start painting shelves for Katie's room. (Because dammit, the child is going to have a finished room before she turns one month old). I love neverending projects...

xxoo.S

Still my baby?

It's no secret that Miss M is a Daddy's Girl. The pure bliss-joy-excitement she gives him when he gets home from work I rarely get to experience (when it's me walking in the door), in fact, I'm usually lucky to get more than a cursory glance up. Which means I instead swoop down to her and hug and kiss her until she tells me "No more kissing Mommy!".

When Daddy isn't around, she asks where he is. When it's time to go to daycare she always begs for Daddy to do drop-off. And whenever I'm trying to get her to do something (crazy, mean torture things like get dressed or put on shoes) that she's stubbornly refusing to do, she immediately acquiesces upon Daddy's request to "please do what Mommy is asking you to do".

She definitely "pushes" me more than anyone in her little world. And don't worry, I know that it means she's feels most comfortable, feels most loved, feels least threatened by me. At least if the experts are to be believed... But it can still be mind-stunningly annoying and frustrating on some days that she can't just Give.Me.A.Break.

And none of this matters really, because at the end of the day, I'm the one she wants when things go wrong. When she's breaking down. When she's tired, or sad, or sick.

She's my "baby". My first-born. She's the reason I fell in love with motherhood and thought maybe (just maybe) I could do this again. Expand our family. Give her a sibling, a playmate, a partner in crime.

But a girlfriend of mine (who just had her 2nd a few days ago) said something that really resonated with me because it summed up the terrified feeling I've been trying to ignore for the past 8 months. She said, "I never realized how much it would affect me realizing he [her 3-yr-old son] wasn't the baby anymore."

And this isn't to take away from the excitement I'm feeling about Sproggy #2 - I can't wait for her to get here and join us. But that's not to say I'm not anticipating a bit of fall-out from #1. Will she resent the baby initially? Will it make her even MORE of a Daddy's girl and will she be angry with me? I know she will seem GIGANTIC in comparison to the new baby - but does this immediately rank her into "child / not baby" status for the rest of her life?

I don't know. I suspect not. I assume all children are always viewed as being their Mom's "baby" forever and ever and ever.  At least, I hope so.

xxoo.S

The "Mom Trudge"

In a conversation with a girlfriend...

Me: So loving flats these days - I can't remember the last time I wore a pair of heels. And summer used to be the season I looked forward to for the strappy sandals alone!

Her: Do you notice, even in flats, you totally walk differently now though?

Me: Totally. It's the "Mom Trudge".

Her (laughing): The what?

Me: The "Mom Trudge". A few years ago we'd walk around, all carefree and blissful. Strutting our stuff in our heels and popping in and out of cafes, bookstore, other shops. Now when we're out we're bent over pushing a stroller, or a grocery cart, or just trying to get whatever it is we're out doing done. We're on a mission. We're fighting time. Hence we're all bent over and miserable looking. When's the last time you swanned into a shop without worrying about how long you had already been out?

Her: You're right. It's the "Mom Trudge". Oh my god, we must look miserable.

Me: No, we just look old. Don't even get me started on the amount of times I get called "M'am" nowadays...

xxoo.S

Is it a proper crime ring?

When we bought our house the previous owners had just had interlock put in up the front steps and landscaping done all up the walkway. It is lovely and was very much a bonus when we were making our decision on whether to put in an offer. Part of the landscaping includes some hard-wired patio lights - larger than the "moonray" style lights you see a lot - these are lantern-looking, hanging on a mini shepherd's hook.

Anyhoo, my point being, they look lovely and I lurve them. And the fact that they are hardwired into an outlet in the garage on a timer (so they actually give off good light vs. those mini moonray types) is a bonus.

Two years ago when I was in Ireland with Maddie and the Hubs was also away on business at the same time - he came home to find one of these lights missing from our flowerbed, all the wiring and whatnot ripped up and just hanging out on our lawn.

We pinned it down to stupid kids - hooligan teenagers - whatever. It was annoying and took a few months to find an identical replacement, but that was it - we didn't really think much more of it.

And then last night it happened again. We were out for dinner at a friend's house and got home around 11pm. The house was dark (as we hadn't thought ahead and left any lights on - either outside or inside). So yes, it was quite clear no one was at home, even with my car parked in the drive.

As we're walking up the steps to the house, I notice - hey! TWO of our lights are missing.

Now - I usually park in the garage, but since we've been doing some furniture refinishing this week, the garage has been taken over and I've been parking out on the driveway. Which means, if these lights were missing last evening - when I was out as well - I would have easily noticed.

The lights were definitely pilfered last night. Sometime between 6:15pm and 11pm.

Nothing else was missing. My car, left wide-open (because I thought we lived in happy lovely suburbia), was not ransacked - they easily could have taken the car seat or new hiking carrier that was sitting wide open in the back seat.

Absolutely nothing else was taken. Just two of these walkway lights.

Say it with me... W. T. F.???

Are there hard up landscapers out there that troll neighbourhoods for good, quality, hardwired patio lighting? Or are these jealous DIY-ers that wish they had better walkway lighting?

To chalk it up to hooligan kids again would be easy - but just doesn't make any sense. Since both neighbours, on either side of us, use those solar-powered, stick-in-the-ground type of lighting, you'd figure they would have effed with their lights as well. Why go to the trouble of pulling up wires and ripping off large lights when you could (also) easily pull up some staked-lighting next door?

It's a mystery to me. And the main reason I now don't really think it's kids. Even though it's also hard to wrap my head around an actual ADULT doing this.

So what to do? Clearly, we've learned our lesson - we're leaving our lights on when we go out and don't anticipate being back before dark. At least to give some type of semblance that someone is home. And I'm now also toying with getting a motion light (since we already have the electrical hardwired into our landscaping, it shouldn't be hard to set up) - but I find those spotlights so obnoxious.

Do we even bother replacing the lights? Or just buy some cheapy moonrays to line the walkway? Clearly they aren't in demand amongst the landscaping crime-ring of the Boonies. But I liiiiiiike my lights. They're pretty. And on a timer. And did I mention how pretty they are?

Sadly, I'm actually going to call the cops and report this properly. Because I feel like once is a random occurence - twice is just weird enough that it makes me feel weird and I want to make sure I'm at least doing my part in whatever channels should be followed in this type of situation.

Strange, non? And also? People suck.

xxoo.S