Sunday, April 6, 2008

Snoring dads beware

I have secret fantasies of ripping out your hangy-ball thing (the "uvula" - thanks Wikipedia!) at the back of your throat. Or whatever it is that is vibrating in there (what the HELL is a deviated septum anyways?) to make you snore so loudly that I feel the walls shake.

People who snore always have the excuse - I can't HELP it that I snore. I don't WANT to snore. No, you don't - probably not anyways. Although, since it doesn't affect you, I don't really know if I believe that you care one way or the other.

But just TRY to look at it from my perspective. I'm up in the middle of the night a gazillion times with a teething baby. She's fussing, crying, snuffling like a little snuffaluffagus and after 15 minutes of back rubbing and 'shhhhh-ing' I'm able to get her back to sleep.

So I return to bed to lay there and try to put myself back to sleep with a "snaaarrrrrrrrr, rufunkle, snaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr, errrrrfffffnnn, snaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr" beside me.

I poke you. You roll onto your side. Peace at last.

Then magically. Like you want to show me a new trick, I hear, "snaaaaaarrrrrRRRRRRR". What the? How are you snoring while on your SIDE? I thought that was impossible?

I elbow you. You grunt angrily and stop.

I continue to lay there trying to fall back asleep. And 45 minutes later, I do. Only to wake up in 15 minutes to our little girl screaming again. And while I'm in her room trying to calm her down, you clearly take this empty bed opportunity to roll back onto your back and start the snoring olympics again. I can hear you from her room.

Hence the above fantasies. And the resentment. You can kind of understand it, no?


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