Life getting in the way

I had big plans for November. I was going to do NaBloPoMo - actually write a post every day and really get my blogging mojo back.

Hi! It's November 24th. I SUCK.

It's life dude. It's getting in the way. (insert whiny voice) In. The. Waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!

Without sounding like an autobot of every other person out there, I just can't seem to figure out a way to fit in everything I want to do. The house is never as tidy as it should be. Laundry is always a load or two (or eight) behind. I really need to finish paying those bills and file the papers away so I can see my dining room table again. The dog should've been walked today, maybe that's why he's being so annoying. The magazines and catalogues and borrowed books that sit upon my bedside table are at desperate risk of falling off and maiming my toddler.

I have a TODDLER. WTF? Last time I think I gave you any kind of update about Katie I was wondering when her first teeth were going to arrive and waxing poetically about my little one year old.

She is 17 months old now. Have I written any short little anecotodal notes about her daily cuteness and all the adorable happenings? No... I fail as a blogger. FAIL.

For the record, she is awesome. She is FULL of sass and grump, piss and vinegar, smiles and scowls. She is the epitome of what will soon become "a handful" soon I believe. She's SO awesome and SO sassy that she really does deserve her own post and therefore I'm not going to write any more about her gorgeousness, except to promise that I WILL write about her soon. I PROMISE.

Aside from the daily clutter and household drudgery things getting in the way I also keep starting (and not finishing) about a TRILLION diy projects around the house. I am maniacal in creating lists of what I want to "accomplish" each week, when in the end, all I end up accomplishing are little piles of unfinished projects in each and every room of the house.

It's a good thing the Hubs doesn't notice much during football season...

And add to all of that, I continue to search for a job. I'm unemployed and needing employment. And it sucks. Large, sucky, crap-balls. It's no fun to spend the wee hours of your nights drafting cover letters and applying for jobs that you don't really want, but will apply for anyways, because you never know, maybe it'd be OKAY. I've had a few exciting interviews for exciting jobs at exciting companies that I would be very excited about working for. But it's also the holiday season and things start to move verrrrry slowly. It can be disheartening  I am disenchanted with it all. And yet, one must trudge forward.

I'd say that's probably a reason I've been quiet too - because even when you have lofty goals of focusing on the positive, it's easy to get deflated and choked up with the negative. And I KNOW you're not here for that.

So here it is - a promise to be better. To do what I came here to do - which is (our little inside joke) document our lives dammit. And I will. I promise.

K: WTF are we doing here?
M: It's a pile of leaves and it's fall and it's FUN!
K: This is BS, let's go wreck some shit.

xxoo.S

I miss my Blockbuster

Last weekend I had the brainwave that the Hubs should get a get of jail free card for the evening, while I got to be "good Mommy" and let Madds stay up late and watch a movie. Awesome plan, yes? Here's the kicker...

There's no effing video stores anymore. Not sure if you've heard (I hadn't),  but Blockbuster went out of business and they have no more stores in Canada. So..... yeah. Include the various mom + pop stores that have gone bust locally, and I was starting to wrack my brain on where we were actually going to rent a movie from.

Sure there's Rogers On Demand - which I'm guessing, is one of the main reasons Blockbuster died its slow, corporate death - but have you checked out their children (sorry, FAMILY) selection? It's pitiful. I ended up finding a local Rogers Video and we checked out a few titles there - but it just wasn't the same. Selection was sparse and THEY DIDN'T HAVE REESE BITES. First Rule of Video Rental - have my effing candy. I want to impulse buy all sorts of unhealthy treats while I'm in line to rent my movies, and Reese Bites are at the TOP OF THAT LIST. (We settled for King size Reese PB cups - but they're just.not.the.same.)


But can we digress for a moment... because DUDES. Video stores are dying. And it's making me sad. Doesn't it feel like the end of an era? Does anyone else remember walking into a Jumbo Video as a teenager on a Friday night, helping yourself to a mini bag of popcorn and munching away as you browsed around? Because that memory for me is so vivid, such a REAL MOMENT that it makes me sad and a bit incredulous that my children won't ever have that same kind of experience.

Instead we all get to sit in our homes. Order whatever current movies our cable provider decides they're going to feature - and get to pay inflated prices for that one-time viewing (which, for a movie for me is no big deal - but for kid movies? They get watched over and over and overandoverandoverandover again - am I right?). I call bullshit.

Are we that digitalized (yes, I realize it's not a word - but it is now - it means all LawnmowerMan'd up - and if you get that reference then, YOU WIN) that we can't even support the economy of video rental? Wherein we have to leave our home and go somewhere and borrow a movie for a fee and bring said movie back when we say we will, so others can also borrow it and watch it? You want me to rely on NETFLIX for my entertainment? (Yes, that was said with as much of a sneer as you may have read there - the concept of paying $8 a month to watch shitastic movies like Point Break and The Wedding Singer makes me seriously question the sanity of people.)

I know there's some other kind of video rental where they mailed the vids to you - where you pick them online and they send them to you when they're available. S'cool. I've done it in the past, way back when. Cheap too. But it's still not the same...

C'mon, seriously... Is anyone else as sad as me about this turn of events? Or am I the old dinosaur resisting change and technology while you guys are all, Yay! Let's all curl up and watch shit on our laptops and beep-boop-bop-bop-biddity-bop (this is my fancy computer sound-effect), perhaps I shouldn't laugh at that funny part there, instead I'll just tweet it: "LOL - I love Jason Bateman movies! " and someone you don't know can reply back "ROFLMAO - I know!!! He's teh funnyy!"...

...AND UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO TEXT ME SOME REESE BITES, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

xxoo.S

3am

The deepest part of night. Where things still go bump and boo and you can't be convinced that the shadow is just a shadow.

It's a time of night when thoughts get dark - things are bigger, worse, more troubling, more concerning - nothing is as it seems and everything seems as it shouldn't.

Rambling internal monologue is depressing and veers into the fantastical. Reality is tenuous and sleep is like a forgotten dream.

And through it all, there is a little person who needs you. For comfort. For snuggles.

She is your rock. Your grounding reality. Her eyes stare into yours, wide and dark pools of blackness - trusting you to be her rock.

And so you swallow your anger. Your self-pity. You find reserves that do not need sleep. And you hum one more lullaby...

xxoo.S

Snapshot of my day

As I sit down to write this I listen to Maddie running around behind me, playing "dollies". She has an Ariel and a Belle doll who seem to fight constantly, while she plays referee and doles out time-outs like candy - is this a foreshadowing of my future?

Katie slumbers upstairs in her crib - I listen to her breathing over the monitor (I make snorers) - the steady white noise of it punctuated every little while with a sleepy cry. I look up and listen to see if the cries will turn into anything - they don't (this time) and she falls back to sleep. Maddie stops playing long enough to tell me, "I don't think Katie's awake yet Mommy."

I am doing errands (well... and blogging - but "documenting our lives" as I like to call it is sort of an errand too) - banking, grocery lists, checking emails. My life is on my laptop. And usually around 5pm it can be found open on my kitchen counter, with either a recipe site or my Google Reader up. I read while I cook - dangerous stuff, especially for an accident-prone cook.

In my head a running list of "to-do's" cycle through. I ponder the dining room table, piled high with stuff. Stocking stuffers and Christmas decorations haphazardly hidden in reusable bags from my craft show shopping last weekend. Halloween decorations and costume makeup that needs to be put away in the basement to be used again next year. More Rubbermaid bins gets added to my shopping list.

Maddie pushes her kitchen stool over the counter where her Halloween candy bag is sitting. She thinks it's funny to "sneak" candy and I don't have the heart to tell her that she's not really "sneaking" if she's doing it while I'm standing right here. This is her fourth piece of candy since she woke up from her nap - I know I'm going to pay for it tonight when she experiences the sugar crash but I'm also just wanting her to blow through it as quickly as possible, so it's finally gone.

Dinner tonight will consist of reheated leftovers. A lazy mom's dinner, but when the Hubs is at a work event until 8:30 I look for short-cuts to survive the single-parent-stress. Maddie pushes her stool over to "help" me dole out the servings and rice goes everywhere. It's times like these I wish for a dog.

xxoo.S

Identity crisis

I was walking through the grocery store today (gotta love the quarter-to-five-missing-ingredient-rush) and I had what one could call an out-of-body experience. As I tried to keep the frustration out of my voice to the pubescent  stock boy about the lack of plain ol' breadcrumbs (no, the Italian kind aren't the same thing thankyouverymuch), I saw me as he (likely) saw me...

Without an ounce of makeup - blotchy skin that hasn't seen the hint of a care regime in months years.

Unwashed (since??? I can't even remember to be honest) hair pulled back into a messy bun - but not the fun, messy kind that walks red carpets at teen choice award shows - I'm talking hair sticking straight out in all directions and the bun part falling lopsided off my head.

Mis-matched "cozies" - no Lulu's for me - these are trackpants (burgandy) and an XL grey sweatshirt from Uni days. Joggers unceremoniously tucked into Uggs - but not for the fashion statement - more for the "OMG I get to wear shoes that feel like slippers OUTSIDE? Ummm, okay."

And the accessories of all accessories? Two whiny, hungry, annoyed children. One talking through a binkie about how she MUST watch Ariel when she gets home because I PROMISED and holymotherofgod meltdown about an 'effing SHOW. And the other? Hungrily slurping away on Sophie the Giraffe - eyeing me like "I'm totally going to meltdown if you don't get me home and feed me in the next 10 minutes lady. I don't care WHERE we are or WHO hears me."

In reality, I'm sure this stockboy didn't even register one of these observations about me - I likely just looked like any other "mom" out there - maybe more unkempt and a bit crazier than normal because, ohsweetjeezus why is she so obsessed about breadcrumbs??

Except I used to (still do?) care what I looked like out in public. I groomed. I didn't leave the house without mascara and some kind of lip gloss. I got pedicures and highlights and waxed on a regular basis. I used to wear heels everyday.

I WORE HEELS.

I get it now, why my mom used to have the best shoes to play dress up in, but I never saw her wear them - you can't chase down an unruly child in heels. You certainly can't straighten your hair daily when you've got a squawking 3 month old looking for her next meal. And my lipgloss? Has either been lost at the bottom of my purse or been confiscated by my 3 year old.

Fall used to be my favourite shopping season because boots! and booties! and closed-toe pumps! and more boots! Oh I still lust after these fall lovelies. I look at the thigh-highs (that would make me look like stripper-mom) or the peep-toe booties (mid-life crisis mom) or even the lower more utilitarian boot (cowboy-mom) - and then take that $150 and mentally spend it elsewhere - matching Christmas dresses for the kids perhaps?

I guess what I'm trying to say (I know - I did have a point, just trying to meander back to it) - it's weird remembering who you used to be. And realizing how much things have changed. How it's hard to reconcile what you look like when you actually look in the mirror to what you remember looking like not that long ago. And I'm not asking for permission to go out and spend $$ on highlights or new boots or fancy skin cream. I know I can. I could do it tomorrow (if I could muster up the energy). And I do hope to start looking nicer / a bit more presentable / a bit more like the old me soon ... but most of the prep-work just seems like that - work. Time I don't have anymore.

Priorities change. Expectations lower. And I just rummage in my shoe closet for a pair of comfortable flats to get me through this stage until I can fathom wearing heels on a regular basis again.

xxoo.S

Snippets

I'm in the midst of party-planning for Maddie's Princess birthday party (theme! love it!)... spent over $100 on party favours / decorations / loot bags... um - and it's all honestly shit. Shit that kids will like, but that I kind of roll my eyes at and think - crappa. Plastic "magic" wands, necklaces, gaudy rings, ridonkulously pricey Disney stickers etc etc etc. I've heard this only gets worse as they get older. As in, more $$, more over-the-top silliness, more Disney-filtration... yikes is all I have to say.

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Halloween is also coming up and I'm going to admit something about myself right now - I'm. Not. A. Fan. I don't like dressing up. It's stressful - I'm not creative (yep - the least creative marketing girl you'd ever meet), I always leave the brainstorming to the last minute and then go to the shop looking for something that I can use to dress up. I think the last time I actually attempted a serious costume was Cruella DeVille.. I was 24. Maddie keeps asking me what I'm going to dress up as this year (she has changed her mind from Princess to Fairy Godmother to Tinkerbell and back to Princess again) and as of yet I've been unsuccessful in convincing her that Mommies don't dress up. Hmmm - I think I have a few white sheets that could be made into ghost costumes. Boo!

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My project du jour is trying to update and organize all of our photos. As in - dating back to August 2008 to present. Seriously (and I know I've asked this before), but do y'all do photo albums still? I like to think if I can get us up to date now, I will just set a reminder in my calendar to print my photos on a monthly basis and then Everything. Will. Be. Perfect! Honestly? I have no idea how you scrapbook people do it - that is some serious commitment. I'll let you know how my photo project goes... after I get the album pictures squared away (and additional albums purchased) I also need to fill about 20 frames that are currently up on my walls and mantle - just waiting to be filled. (I may have a bit of a habit of buying picture frames - and then let them sit with the picture they come with in it for months on end. Friends constantly ask me who all these random people are on my mantle).

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Last but not least... I think I have adult ADHD. In a not-kidding, no-seriously, where-did-my-ability-to-concentrate go? I see other women, other moms, out there - managing households, feeding, cleaning, getting their hair done and looking all respectable. Me? I live in a shambles of chaos and grungy floors with unwashed hair and am constantly doing the 5pm meltdown of "what the hell are we going to eat". I think I've used up the "I have a newborn" excuse now, because, well, Katie is over 3 months old. I have all these aspirations to plan meals and clean on a daily schedule... and yeah - it never stays on course. THIS? This is totes me...

xxoo.S

Thoughts on a holiday Monday

• Babies are really fun to dress up and take pictures of. I'm talking, big flowery headbands/hats, tutus etc. Can't wait to see the pics that my good friend Tracy of Artistically Drawn got from our photoshoot yesterday. 
• At a neighbour's BBQ yesterday afternoon, I: a) chatted with a newly-met neighbour about the latest goings-on of Corrie Street, b) met neighbours originally from the UK (but not the Corrie St fans interestingly enough) and so drooled my Anglophilia all over them, c) watched as Maddie took off and played with the other kids in the house, without any adult supervision and was totally fine with it -- holy shit she is growing up fast. All in all - a blissful Sunday afternoon. We are finally making neighbourhood friends. Yay to that, it only took 3+ years...
• Why do I insist on checking on a crib-sleeping Katie a thousand times? Just because she's not sleeping next to me or in my lap, I think something bad is going to happen? Really wish this crazy instinct/paranoia would relax a bit. Also? Because I'm sure I wake her up by doing this, and that just makes me a dumbass...
• I started a list this morning of all the projects I want to accomplish this coming year. At the top of the list is "Create list of projects to complete on mat leave in order of priority". This is the only thing written on the list. I am nothing, if I am not redundant...
• The fall community activity guide came in the mail this week. As I was perusing for classes/groups to sign us up for (figure this will be the best way to spend my winter-mat-leave without losing my mind) I realized that there are A LOT of classes going to be held right here in our little village. All due to the new library/community centre that will finally be finished this fall! I was SO incredibly excited about this that I actually went and found a yellow highlighter so I could highlight all the classes/groups that I wanted to consider joining. N.E.R.D. People don't believe me when I tell them I am one. This? Should verify it completely. Gold star!

I am now going to spend the next unknown amount of minutes of freedom I still have (while Katie naps) trying to sew a few more pillows. Martha Stewart I am not. But I may be learning a lil bit... 

Enjoy your holiday Monday!

xxoo.S

Oh, hi there!

I've been silent for a while. Well, what can I say? Last week was a bitch. I got sick (again! I know, play another record, right?). I was working like mad, trying desperately to wrap up loose ends and feeling guilty all at the same for all those loose ends that I really was going to have no choice, but leave loose. All in all, it was hectic and crazy and not awesome.

So instead, let's focus on what is awesome. It is Tuesday. I'm 2nd day into mat leave. I have my massive to-do nesting list created (yes this is a good thing, I'm anal and love my lists). And I've got my little Miss M home with me from daycare for her own little "mommy-vacation" for the week.

You know how I always write about how much of a Daddy's girl she is? Well, this past week and half, she's changed her tune quite dramatically. She's all about "momma momma momma" lately. Momma has to play with her. Momma needs to do bath time. Momma has to read the bedtime stories.

In return I get the softest pats on the cheek and a little girl that looks right in my eyes and tells me, "I lub you TOOOOOO much Momma."

Heart. Melting.

Also in the realm of awesome?

• Sproggy's room is almost done, just some shelf installation and basket buying and artwork-making (this is the rainy-day activity Madd's and I are going to tackle this week). 
• We have the carpet-cleaning guy booked for this Friday (because you can't truly NEST without some steam-cleaning of some kind, right?)
• I cooked and baked like a demon yesterday, and have a few more things to get done today - which means the freezer will be sufficiently stocked for.... oh, the first couple of weeks of newborn-hell, anyways.
• Maddie decided to sleep in all weekend until 7:30am (or later) and take 3.5 hour afternoon naps and that? Was so incredibly fantastic. Especially as Hubs was at a golf thing until late on Friday, cottage all day Saturday until the wee hours of Sunday and therefore slept in on Sunday - so essentially I was on single-parent duty for the majority of the weekend, which, with all that sleep, didn't seem so hard after all.
• Maybe it was all the sleep, but the little glimpse we've had recently of the "terrible-twos" monster seems to have disappeared. She's been a darling of late, very agreeable, very happy - just generally a pretty awesome little kid.

And last but not least? In the past couple of weeks, we decided to try our hand at potty training one more time before the baby arrived. Maddie showed interest in it, our daycare provider suggested it be a good time to try again, and so we did. And the first 2 weeks. Went okay... She seemed to do far better at daycare and save up all the "accidents" for the hours between 6-8pm.

But with little pep-talks from our daycare provider to keep our spirits up (and her promising that soon, very soon, everything would just "click" and Maddie would just all of a sudden put 2 and 2 together and be able to tell us when she had to go - vs us having to ask every 20 mins and try to cajole her into "trying" again)... we kept with it and blammo! Everything seemed to click into place as of yesterday. 

She told me she had to go before we left the house on our errands yesterday morning, she told me she had to go while driving in the car (and DID go in a Tim Horton's bathroom with no issues - I was so proud I bought her 2 Timbits as a reward), and she told me she had to go poop before naptime. So, while she wore a pull-up the whole day (yes, it's much better to "train" in underwear, it's a helluva lot easier when out and about to be using a pull-up), she didn't have ONE accident. And I also learned, she can hold it for about an hour and half - sometimes two. So yeah, that's probably why she resisted when I was asking her every friggin' 20 minutes. I'd get annoyed too.

Anyways - so we've passed that hurdle. She can now tell us she has to go (which is so much better than me having to check with her a thousand times a day), and seems to be totally down with being a "big girl who doesn't wear diapers". 

I realize by simply writing this and bragging about my potty-genius, she will now totally revert and pee all over my shoes while we're out today ... but whatever... I had to share.

Off to run more errands and see the midwife... enjoy your day at work... suckas!!!

xxoo.S

Snippets

There were no posts all of last week because of work stuff, life stuff, the busy schedule that spring seems to bring everyone. But it all culminated in a fantastically productive meeting with the bossman on Friday and means several projects that have been slightly languishing in nowhere land have been given the green light and I have a busy busy plate for my last 2 months.

And last 2 months it is - we're on final countdown. I gave my "official" notice and June 11th is my last day of work. Which means I get a week and half to myself before my due date of June 23rd. The response from everyone when I tell them this is, "Wow, you're working right up to the end, huh?" The response from Hubs? "Giving yourself a nice little cushion, huh?"

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April is the "Month of Birthdays" amid our group of friends' children. We hit up our 2nd kid's birthday party this past weekend and have one more birthday party to attend next weekend. This was a pirate-themed party and watching Maddie play a piratized version of Pin the Tail on the Donkey was possibly the most adorable moment of our weekend. PS - you know what freaks my 2.5 year old out? Putting a blindfold on her amidst a group of excited kids.

But you know what's not fun? 6 screechy kids all hopped up on sugar*. When I can't drink the noise away. Damn you co-parents that had beers in your hand this weekend. Damn you...

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We still haven't painted the nursery. I did make the attempt to really get it done this weekend - but got sidetracked while cleaning out the room (the closet had been relegated as part-clothing storage, part-craft storage, part-spare-linen storage and part-wrapping-paraphernalia storage). So while I started taking all of this stuff down to the basement, I realized the basement MUST BE CLEANED. NOW. IMMEDIATELY.

I'm not going to be a tattletale, but this may have caused some dissension amongst the ranks. For those firmly on the side of "Sunday is the day of rest". Okay, I will name names. The Hubs. He thought I was bonkers. I got angry. There may have been some shouting. That's all I'm gonna say...

Sidebar: I think with every positive pregnancy test, the doctor should be required to take the husband into a room where he is forced to watch a couple of educational videos called, "The Importance of Hormones" and, "The Nesting Instinct". Perhaps this could be combined into one video called, "Survival Guide: The Irrationality That Will Consume Your Life For The Next 9 Months - And How To Learn To Say Yes, Dear".  

Yes, with the clarity of a Monday morning, I see that perhaps I was being a little unreasonable in my demands that the ENTIRE BASEMENT MUST BE ORGANIZED. NOW. ASAP. SHOULD'VE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF MONTHS AGO. WTF?!?!?!? The urge to nest has hit me much harder this time around. At least I think it has. Perhaps all the packing and preparations to move into the house helped to funnel some of those urges last time. Who knows. But this time? Oh yeah. It's full-on crazy. Like, get the urge to clean the bathroom at 5am when I wake up for the gazillionth time to pee, kind of crazy. Poor Hubs.

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I'll leave you with a little Maddie-ism that she pulled on us this morning. (Prefacing it to say, I see the devil coming out in her more and more. Manipulating. Guilt-tripping. Stubborn as a mule. It makes an a-type female such as myself so very proud...) Doing the breakfast thing, she was offered another yogurt, various types of fruit, cheerios and juice. To which everything she responded, "No. Maddie no want." And clearly realizing what a little pain in the ass she was being, she looked up at the Hubs with a gleam in her eye, "Maddie say no to EV-WE-TING!"

xxoo.S

*To my nearest and dearest - I love your children, I really do. And I enjoy the excuse to come and hang out with you for a few hours at a party. And I like the gift-giving and the cake-eating. But I really think we all need bigger houses. Or finished basements. Or soundproof rooms - if these parties are going to continue. ;-)