Thursday, March 3, 2011

This isn't an easy post to write

We had our follow up pediatrician appointment yesterday - Katie is still not gaining weight at any progressive rate that makes the doctor happy. Our little 8 month old weighed in at 14 lbs 2 ounces - which is actually down 2 ounces from when we were at the doctor a few weeks ago when she was sick.

Awesome possum.

And so - now we have to do tests. Start ruling things out (hopefully). Start loading up her food with butter or full-fat cream. And offer formula only.

There's the rub for me. That little sentence, "Oh - and quit the breastfeeding, now's the time for formula only." cut through me like a knife.

And I know it's best for her. And it's not about me. And regardless I shouldn't feel guilty. And we breastfed for 8 months and thats something to be proud of. And. And. And...

I don't get it - that I could breastfeed my first so easily, without issues and while she was tiny, she was always roly-poly. Smack dab between the 10th and 25th percentiles, never a cause for concern. Always a great eater. It makes no sense that I have trouble breastfeeding my second. It's supposed to get easier over time, not harder.

And yet - that's the best I can hope for. That somehow my milk is nutritionally deficient and that I'm at the root of this, because the alternatives could be far worse and I'm not even going there yet, because we have visits to Sick Kids and tests to run and bottles to push and extra-caloric butter to add to mashed potatoes right now.

That's where my focus is and needs to be. The future will tell us what the future will hold. No point in worrying about it now.

The silver, ironic little lining?

We came home from the appointment, she was EXHAUSTED and drank a 4 ounce bottle before her nap like it was no big deal. Of course she did, right? Because we haven't been fighting with her to take a bottle for 5 months or anything. Maybe she saw the determination in my eye. Or pure panicking desperation...

Regardless - she's taken 4 bottles thus far - all 3-4 ounces at a time. So we are doing what we can do for now.



Cheryl said...

I feel your pain, Sara. My son was breastfed and fell off the curve at four months. I was devasted when we were referred to the pediatrician. At first they recommended watching and seeing as, like Katie, he was mostly happy, sleeping and meeting his milestones. When he still didn't gain as much weight as they would have liked they recommended bottle feeding. I was devastated. I felt a sense of mourning having to stop breatfeeding, I felt like it was my fault as her primary source of food that I was depriving him... so many feelings. But now he's 2.5, still a picky eater, but happy and healthy. When my overly paranoid dr. at the Brooklin Medical clinic commented about the fact that my new 7 week daughter had dropped 11 oz after birth the same panic re-surfaced. Luckily she's doing well now, but we too are faced with the same bottle troubles.. we've tried so many different brands and she won't take any of them!

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, I jsut wanted to comment because I read your site faithfully and always find comfort in what you write, so I wanted you to know that you weren't alone! Good luck with everything:)

Carly said...

Have been waiting for an update on how our Katie Bear is doing. You KNOW you are a great Mumma. Sometimes we just have to do what is best, even if it hurts us the most. I have a feeling this will be a common thread in parenting for the next, oh, ever.

I'm sure she will be great. I'd much rather have your proactive doctor than be reactive like your other person who does not deserve a medical degree.