12 Months

Dear Katie,

Oh my Lady Katharine. My Katiebear. My Kates. We made it - one year. I was worried you know, about how I'd handle two. I was worried there wasn't enough of me to go around I was worried that somehow our little family dynamic would be changed and upset by the addition of another.

What the hell was I worried about? It's like we were waiting for you!

You, my little grumpy little troll baby from the get-go.

You, my aggressive little miss who has scratched the shit out of both yourself and everyone within your reach.

You, who has managed to wrap everyone in the house around your teeny tiny little finger (including Seamus, who clearly has a soft spot for your cheeky little self).

You, who melts my heart with every belly laugh you give me. You make me work hard for those. The toughest sell I've had to dance for. So when I manage to garner a giggle, it's a triumph.

I couldn't have had two more different girls if I tried. Of course, you're just as clever, charming and gorgeous as your sister. But that's where the similarities end.

Where she is more cautious, you charge in, bull-like in your temperament. Headstrong you both are, yes, but you, are now, and will (likely) always be the louder, more insistent bull in the house (says the alpha bull - yes, I'll concede, you win my dear).

This may also just be a side-effect of your enthusiastic adoration of your older sister. Anything Maddie does, you want to do. Whatever she's eating, you (loudly) insist on sharing. You watch her so closely, wanting to play with whatever she has, whatever she's doing - it's been fun to watch how much sisters can teach each other (already). Patience. Sharing. Learning-absorbing-emulating.

And because of this, you do so many things earlier. Call it second-child syndrome - or is it because you just insist on it? You eat whatever we eat at meals - forget the baby food - that's been passe for a while now. You're climbing stairs. You're taking baths in the big tub. You roam around the backyard and play with whatever you can possibly get your hands on.

You are a one year old going on twelve. The attitude. The opinionated little grunts and screeches. The faces you make when you don't like something (or when you do - the beam is ear-to-ear).

And yet... you are still such my baby. More of a Mumma-suck than I could ever imagine. I love that you love me so much. Only I can snuggle you to happiness when you have your grump on. And when it's time for bed I'm the first one you come looking for, tugging at my leg and give me the "eat eat" sign (yes, this means a bottle in our world).

Ah, the communication - it's amazing how quickly it grows once it starts. Your first word was "tickle tickle" (which is so hilariously random) - but to that repertoire you're added "Dada" (for Daddy), "Mama" (for Mommy), "Duh-Duh" (for doggie), "Ah Dun" (for all done - and this was early! Food, the great motivator), "Hai!" (for hi, duh!), "Dat!" (for that - as in, "what's that?" or "lookit that!"), and "Nuh nuh nuh" (that one's no - every baby's fave). You also know the signs for "more", "eat", "water" and "all done". Oh, and you high five like it's no one's business. (That's kind of a requirement for our house, much to Daddy's dismay)

I can't believe a year has gone by. And soon I head back to work, and you off to daycare. And with that a whole load of new experiences for you to have, without me always by your side. I hate to think of this time ending, and yet, I know you'll be ruling the roost over there within a week, so I don't worry about you. Too much, anyways.

We love you so much my little Katiebear. Your strong-will. Your sloppy open mouth kisses. Your outraged shrieks when dinner isn't on the table fast enough.

All of it. All of you.

Love.

Love,

Mommy

Yes, you are.

While making cookies today, I swat Maddie hand away from the bowl to keep her from eating her 48th bite of raw cookie dough:

Maddie: What Mommy?

Me: That's enough cookie dough for you bugaloo. You'll be sick.

Maddie: I know! I eat cookie dough all the whole long-long time, don't I?

Me [laughing]: You would, if I let you.

Maddie: Yes. I am the cookie monster! Yarrgghhhh!

Me [full on belly laughing at this point]: Yes, you are.

Maddie: I am very-very funny Mommy. I make EVERYONES laugh a long-long time.

Me: Yes. Yes, you do, bugaloo.

Well, maybe not "EVERYONES", but definitely me. Thanks Maddie - for the laughs - everyday.

xxoo.S

Free at last!

We had a check up for Katie with our pediatrician today - I didn't mention it earlier because honestly, these appointments scare the crap out of me. We've done the tests and we know there's nothing "wrong" with her. But she still is off the charts weight-wise (well, at least I thought so, more on that in a sec) and every time we have an appointment where her weight is being checked I get this sick feeling in my stomach, like people in white coats are going to come around the corner and take her away from me, because clearly I can't raise a child properly and why oh why can't she just gain like 3 pounds and get back in the 25th percentile so they'll just leave us alone?

*breathe*

Okay - so aside from my neurotic thoughts - our appointment went well. In fact, I'd even say swimmingly well. Katie is now at 16 pounds 12 ounces, she's happy, chunky(ish) looking and hitting all her milestones. In fact, she didn't shut up the entire appointment and flirted her ass off with the pediatrician. (Meh - I say well done girl, go for the doctors...) And her height registered in at 29.33 inches. That's almost 2 full inches taller than Maddie was at a year. It's also in the 75th percentile. So yeah... she's growing. Just tall and skinny, I guess.

The interesting part of the appointment was right at the end. I asked him to print out the growth chart with all Katie's plots that he was looking at on the computer. He did and then said, "But take this with a grain of salt - these are old growth charts."

Old growth charts.

So I've been sitting here, for the past 4 months, worrying my ass off, because my child isn't even registering on the chart, and I find out that really, these are old charts so not to worry so much (in fairness - there was a growth pattern problem - which has been resolved - so it's not like I'm saying there was nothing wrong) - but really? Why would it be so difficult to plot on the current growth charts? A bit speechless to that idiocy.

Of course I came home and googled the current charts. They put her solidly in the 3rd percentile for weight. Instead of not registering on the chart at all, she's right there, in a shaded little part. That made me feel so much more comfortable - my only question is why the hell it wouldn't just be mandatory for doctors everywhere to use the up-to-date charts? Silly.

All in all - it's good news. And we got the all-clear. Which means I don't have to have any more heart-palpitating pediatrician appointments anytime soon.

Yay Katie. Chunk that monk!

xxoo.S

Eleven Months

Dear Katiebear,

I know I say it every month, but holy crap, you are ELEVEN months old. That's almost a year. Which means Mumma is very behind on party planning. And also means our gorgeous vacation-style life of me being on mat leave and getting to spend every minute with you will soon be coming to an end. Let's not think about that right now...

Instead, let's talk about what a little lady you are becoming. Oh. My. Word. You are a master crawler and a bit of a curious cat. You like getting into almost anything you can. You LOVE to play with your sister's toys (she may not love this however), you love playing with Seamus' toys (who is far more willing to share, but ew, gross Katie, GROSS) and you love to climb things (like the stairs, any chance you get, usually while I'm making dinner, and giving me heart attacks - stop that too, okay?).

Along with crawling, you also love walking behind pretty much anything you can push. The little pushcarts we have specifically for this purpose. Or your piano. Or Maddie's shopping cart. Or even your exersaucer (which isn't on wheels, and therefore is a bit of a feat in itself - you little tank!).

Your newest trick is to be standing at your piano, look at me with a devilish grin, and then just "let go". While you stand there, wobbling and wavering for about 5-10 seconds (before you eventually lose your balance and have to go down to your knees), you look at me with this utter self-satisfactory grin on your face, as if to say, "Look Ma! No hands!". It makes me laugh. Every single time. Oh, you are going to be walking soon I think.

Your other trick that makes me laugh to no end is what I call your "puppy dog trick". You've learned to carry things around (like a random Little Person or the Wii remote cover), it's easier to just pop it into your mouth and crawl that way. And then you look up at me, give your head a little shake, as if to say (again), "Look Ma! No hands!" and then you belly laugh. Usually in response to me laughing. Because dude - you're not a dog! Stop carrying things around in your mouth! But also? Too funny.

So yes - not only are you curious and bombing around all over the place, you're also developing a great sense of humour. Doing your "jokes" and whatever it takes to get a laugh. We have another clown on our hands and that suits me just fine. Because you know what? Funny is good. Always.

You love our kitchen dance parties, where I turn up the music and you take turns with your sister getting twirled around to the latest on the radio. You love playing outside - crawling all over the grass and trying to get to wherever your sister is playing (usually on the slide or a swing and you want to be right there in the action). You love watching her at ballet or swimming - your eyes shine while I see you picking her out of the crowd of kids and you track her every movement.

As for eating - well, you pretty much eat whatever we're having for dinner, along with a kicker of some kind of baby food. You still have no teeth and I have no idea when they'll finally get here (I gave up watching for them, as I spent 5 long months doing that with your sister and it just wasn't worth it, they'll get here when they get here) ... but it means you are still a bit limited in diet. Not that we haven't given you steak (which you loved - medium rare of course) - but I'd so love for you to have some teeth so I could feel like you could actually chew/bite something. So, yeah, work on that, would ya?

What else is there to say? You are my funny, jokester, crazy brave/scary inquisitive baby who is a big mom-suck. And I'm not going to lie - I love that you light up like crazy when I walk in the room. I love you too my dear - very, very much. And I can't wait to see the little person you grow into - already so clever and funny - so like your sister and so different at the same time.

Happy eleven months, our little Katiebear.

Love,
Mommy

Where do I even begin?

I hate when I have to do a massive catch-up post after being away for so long (away from here, not away on holiday - because, oy, that wouldn't be something I'd whine about). It's annoying and boring. But, I do have that OCD drive to actually "document our lives" and all ... so here goes:

THIS is why I've been so quiet of late. We are living through renovation hell. Notice, if you will, the two different wall colours going on. The grey on the right is the "new" paint colour. The horrible peach/beige on the left is old, and going (eventually - it's hard to make progress when you're painting in one hour segments). The basic builder's oak railing? Currently sanded within an inch of it's life and awaiting the next step - which is a dark stain on the handrail and white paint on the spindles. Our stairway has been a debacle for going on 30+ days. I think the hubs is ready to kill me - and yet, I don't see him grabbing any sandpaper to help get the job done, so he can bite me.

Add to that, our basement is currently being framed and there's hardwood going in on the main floor any day now. Yes, we decided to make almost every floor of our home unlivable whilst on mat leave, home with 2 kids. We are SO smart. Just promise me, when all is said and done, and I post my after pics you'll tell me how lovely everything looks and how worth it, it was. Because that's the mantra that just keeps running through my head right now to keep my sanity in check.

In other news...

• Maddie had her kindergarten orientation where she met her teacher and got a goody bag and pretty much proved to me that she was growing up whether I liked it or not so I decided to try and embrace it and stopped referring to her as "my toddler". Her therapist 20 years from now thanks me for this concession.

She wasn't the only red-head in her kindergarten class - but she was the cutest!

• Our dog Seamus has decided, with all the banging of the renos and the chaos that comes with a crawling baby, he would rather try his luck elsewhere ... so his new trick is to BOLT out the front door whenever someone opens it. Which, when you're hosting various workers and tradespeople in your home, is often. Which also means, my neighbours are now well-acquainted with my pj wardrobe (yes, I'm wearing pj's while strangers traipse in and out of my house - who gets dressed before noon on mat leave? am I right??), and Seamus may have given me about 8 heart attacks just last week by crossing the road during the 9am school rush. Dog for sale.. anyone want a dog?

Puppy dog eyes don't work with me - Imma gonna kick his ass.

• We got blessed with gorgeous weather this weekend - which meant outdoor play. Katie is a master crawler now and just bombs all over the yard looking for more dog toys to chew on. Mmmmm, orange road hockey ball covered in dirt - you are so delicious! I love our backyard in the summer. It's not big, but we've kitted it out enough that it's fun for the kiddies. And now... more photos...

Watching Daddy get the pool ready

Katie's first pool experience. Unlike Maddie, there were no tears - and we call her a grump!?

What IS it with babies + sunglasses?

SO flippin' cute!

xxoo.S

It only took 10 months and 11 days

But Katie slept through the night.

THROUGH.

That means from 7pm until 7am - no wake ups.

*happy dance*

Of course I woke up at 2am, 3am and 4am ... because, you know... I'm a trained seal.

And yes, I realize I just jinxed myself and she won't sleep through again until sometime past her 2nd birthday. But last night? LAST NIGHT SHE SLEPT.

*random high five*

xxoo.S

Content

Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age...or maybe it was the two glasses of wine with dinner - but I had the urge to share: I am content. More than that - right now, in this exact moment in this sliver of time, I'm feel lucky. Fortunate. Just...happy.

Is that really effing annoying to write? Are you reading this rolling your eyes and snorting with disdain? If so, I'm sorry... because there's more...


We spent the weekend building a playset. This big cedar swingset / fort / slide / picnic table. It is, in a word, effing AWESOME. And fits so perfectly in the back corner of our backyard it's almost hard to imagine that it was never there.

Except for the sore arms. And backs. And just pure body exhaustion that comes from two full days of hard graft. But it's a good tired. A "job-well-done" kind of tired.

And I can already foresee hours upon hours of happy playtime for my girls. And that? Is one of the reasons I'm so content.

And thank you to Gramma and Grandpa Vallier for visiting this weekend and helping us get the monstrosity up. We couldn't have done it without your help.

My girls are happy.

And so am I.

Happy Sunday,

xxoo.S

Hippity Hop

Easter came for two little girls this year. While Katie (obviously) didn't participate in the egg hunt this year - she loved watching Maddie (her favourite past-time anyways) and I had visions for next year's Easter already. Maddie got her "little Rapunzel" she so desperately pined for this past month. Katie got a new ball for the backyard and some Crayola baby markers to call her own.

The Easter Bunny even set a tea party to create more ambiance! What a clever bunny!

 My childhood dollhouse has a little balcony on one side - from which "little Rapunzel" hung her hair all morning.

Matching dresses and white cardis - I love Easter. Also - say hi to a random Seamus pic - we took several "family" pictures before I thought about including the poor little scruff.

Hope your weekend was just as enjoyable!

xxoo.S

Ten Months

Dear Katie,

You were a milestone machine this month my bug-a-lug - crawling, pulling up, cruising, first words. You knocked them out one after another. No wonder you couldn't sleep - too much going on in that little brain of yours.
 
We also survived your first fever this month. Oh my little one, you were so sick and it was so sad and my heart just broke for you. I did my best to make you better as quickly as possible - stomach flus are nasty I'm afraid - but you were miserable for almost an entire week.

Even through all of this, you smiled, giggled and belly laughed more this month than ever before. You love the tickle-tickle game, itsy bitsy spider and this little piggy. You love your books - we're now up to 4 books before bedtime - you grab for the next one before I'm done reading.

You're (learning to) liking the swing and being outdoors more and more. Our new habit is to go for walks with you in the Bjorn facing out, instead of in the stroller. This gives Mumma more exercise and I think you like being up high.

I can't wait for Spring to get here so you can see just how fun our backyard can be. There's water and sand and toys and slides and swings - so much to play with. And I know Maddie can't wait to have a little cohort to share it all with.

We love you my little sweetheart - from the top of your fuzzy little head to the tips of your nom-nom-nom toes. I can't believe it's been 10 months. Oh how time is flying...

Love,
Mommy

Ma-ma

Katie spent yesterday and today pretty sick - fever of 104 type of sick. Not fun. No sleep. No keeping fluids down (until I started administering them by the 1/2 tsp via medicine dropper - never tried it before, will swear by this method forever, as it really worked at keeping her hydrated)....

Anyhoo - it meant she was Misery Incorporated. Wanted to be held. Then too hot to be held. Wanted to sleep. Too miserable to sleep. You know how it goes - and as Maddie would say, "She's just a baby Mommy, she doesn't know anything" --> I guess that would also go for the whole, doesn't even know why she's feeling so shitty, but she just wants Mama to make it all go away.

Apparently wants that to happen so bad, that she dug real deep and said "MA-MA" while I was cuddling her at one point today.

WOOT! Katie is on a roll, people! If this were hockey she'd be doing a double hat-trick or some other bullshit sports analogy...

xxoo.S

Milestone Mania

I've been feeling the crunch of guilt when I think of the future conversation I am destined to have with Katie that will go something like this, "Mom, why did you write five bloody paragraphs every time Maddie achieved a 'first' when she was a baby, and you didn't even write about it in my baby book when I did?"

Uh.. yeah. I'm tired of apologizing for not writing and saying it's been a tough week because that started getting old about four weeks ago. I don't like people who make excuses so I won't. Let's just leave it at: I just plain suck at keeping up with anything these days. You don't even want to see the state of my laundry. Trust me.

Instead, let's talk about some Katie milestones, shall we? Because she is like a little wonder baby these days. I already mentioned in a previous post about her first word (and subsequent more "official" first word that she repeats all the time now - tickle tickle - which she said on April 8th). Then, that same weekend (on Sun, Apr 10th), she started pulling up (mainly on Daddy) to a standing position. And the look of pride/happiness/"look at what I just did!" look on her face is super-awesome-fantastic!

The very next day (Mon, Apr 11th) she started officially cruising - and by cruising, I mean slowly shuffling her feet while making the slowest of slow process around our ottoman. She is by no means cruising around all helter skelter. Oh no, it's slow. And she complains and whines the entire time, reaching for my fingers so she can "walk" instead. But hey, a milestone is a milestone, right? Moving right along...

As the week went on, she started to do more and more of the whole crawling backwards thing when she was on her belly, which then turned into the backwards scoot into sitting position (Tues, Apr 12th). Which is when I started thinking, hmm, she may just crawl (because just before Maddie figured out the whole forward crawl thing, she figured out how to back herself up into a sitting position).

And then.... and theeeeennnnnnnnnnn..... Wed, April 13th - forward motion! Not technically a crawl (yet), but she definitely was army crawling/dragging herself forward if you put something super intriguing (like my blackberry) just out of reach in front of her. Progress! "She'll be crawling by the end of April!" I would brag to everyone I spoke to.

And then came Friday, April 15th. She was getting up on all fours so easily all day and doing that adorable rock-rock-rocking motion they do (you know what I'm talking about). So sometime after lunch, Katie decided she wanted to get at Maddie's Barbie (much to Maddie's dismay). I quickly grabbed the camera, straight-armed Maddie aside and commandeered her Barbie to use as bait. (Which means Katie's first crawl video has Maddie protesting the entire operation quite loudly in the background while I wrestle her into the background with my left arm - classy, all-the-way-classy).

So there you go future-Katie - your wonder-week of milestones has been documented! Guilt?? Go away now please...

xxoo.S

PS - I'd love to say we spent the weekend helping Katie perfect her newfound skill, except both kids have been sick with some nasty cold/flu/cough-type virus. And yes, by "kids" I'm including The Hubs.

3.5

Dear Madds,

You are three and a half. Or, as you would say, thee-an-a-HALF! Extra emphasis on the half, of course.

Oh my, you are such a little girl now. The baby chub is gone - long gone in fact. You're all bones now. Bony knees and elbows that dig into me when you crawl into bed in the wee hours of the morning. (Yes, that's your new trick and to be honest - I haven't the heart to kick you out - yet).

But while you're looking more and more like a little girl, there are still so many reminders of toddlerhood, as if it's trying as hard as I'd like it to, to keep it's hold over you. The toddler pot-belly you get after a big meal. The stumble-y toddler klutziness that comes when you're over-tired. The toddler pronunciation of so many words still.

And yet.. you've started calling me "ridiculous" (where'd you get that from, huh?). You want to use a knife to cut up your own meat. You can (but don't always) drink out of a "big girl" cup.

You count. You reason. You deduce. Hell, you find loopholes in the "rules" we give you.

You negotiate (very well, I might add). You dress yourself ("Does this match?" you're constantly asking). You compliment and share and act so considerately of other little friends that my heart just wants to burst with pride.

You stand with your hands on your hips in defiance if you're pissed at me about something. You tell me "I'm angry at you momma!" You test my limits and watch me try to rein in my frustration and temper and I can see when you're just pressing my buttons for the sake of it, because your eyes squint up in mischief while doing so.

You can exasperate me with your dawdling. And yet, so many times, you are dawdling because you're seeing things, noticing things that I never would have looked at. "Lookit that bird over there momma - why won't he fly over here and sit on my hand?" That was our first red robin of spring you saw the other day - and I probably would have missed it in my rush to the car, had it not been for you.

You colour oh so well these days - and take great pleasure in deciding just what colour to choose for the princess' dress. And you draw - you can draw FACES! And people (well, 4 lines for arms and legs coming directly out of the head - but it's effing awesome is what it is). And you so badly want to be able to write your name - so we practice - M-M-M-M-M-M-M - you try to write M's all day long.

You are such a picky eater that it makes my head explode - and yet, I think (knock-on-wood-knock-on-wood) that we are coming back around on this curve as you are more willing to try "one bite" or "just a taste" of things more and more instead of point blank refusing. Often you end at just that one bite, but the victory in just getting you to taste more foods is, in itself, sweet enough for now.

You sing. You dance. You're constantly performing and joking and laughing and trying to make us laugh. You insist everyone around you is "a clown!" - knowing perfectly well that it is, in fact, you that is the clown.

We started a new family tradition this year - to celebrate half-birthdays. No fancy party. Just a family affair.

For this half-birthday we went out, just you and Mommy, to see a Max & Ruby live show in Oshawa and then out to a restaurant for dinner. It was your first theatre experience and you loved it. Getting up in the aisles to dance or jump and clap - you couldn't hold the excitement of just watching your favourite characters up on stage - you had to move to express it. And then, at the restaurant, I introduced you to my childhood favourite - the Shirley Temple. You declared it DEEEEEELISHUS and only for fancy girls (like us) on fancy days (like your half-birthday).

I had such a fabulous time with you and I'm pretty sure you had a great time too. I hope it was a half-birthday to remember, although I know you probably won't. But I will. For both of us.

Love you my little boo.

Love,
Mommy

Well, she hit that milestone

We (myself and the girls) spent the past week away visiting family in Kingston. As Maddie would say, "We visit lots of people's houses!" - yes, it was a busy visit, as it so often is, but luckily the kids didn't get totally wrang-y - as so often happens when we're sleeping at different houses, off schedule and such.

And... while we were away - although Katie didn't start the massive milestone of crawling, she did pop out her first "word"! (Yes, she's been saying da-da-da and ba-ba-ba and the rare ma-ma-ma - but really? I don't know if these really count).

This was clear. It was definitive. It was... "NO!" (in the face of being licked to death by my mom's overly zealous dog) - accompanied by a head shake and push away.

Well, we knew she was going to have some strong opinions, of course her first word is no.

(So was mine.)

I haven't heard a "NO" since (maybe that means she's been happy?) - but then I shared the "tickle tickle" game with her (a made-up game I play with Madds - tickling up her leg to a different body part each time, while you say, "tickle tickle tickle...... belly! [or whatever place you end up]" - yes, that does sound weird trying to explain it). Anyhoodle - she thought the game was bloody hilarious and belly-laughed her way through it. And now? Randomly, out of nowhere, she'll just start saying "tickle tickle". Yes, it's very mumbly and she sticks her tongue out whilst doing it (damn, I gotta get video of it because it's really the cutest thing ever) - but it's clear and she gets a massive grin if you say back to her, "tickle tickle!".

Yes, she's a flipping genius.


Of course she is. Was there any doubt?

xxoo.S

Nine Months

Dear Katie,

Oh, what a month my little Katiebear. It's been stressful to say the very least.

We spent the month trying to fatten you up as much as possible - on strict doctor's orders. You moved from solely breastfeeding to solely bottle-feeding (you dealt with this far better than I did). And you moved away from jarred foods into the table-food arena of eating. This proved a bit challenging, because as much as you dislike the purees, your gummy chewing abilities still have a ways to go before we're offering you steak and the like.

However - we learned that you LOVE avocado when mixed with a bit of tomato and cream - guacamole for beginners. You also love broccoli, little hunks of overcooked carrot, pasta (any kind of pasta - avec beurre svp), salmon, yogurt and RASPBERRIES. Oh, how you love raspberries. Then again, they are the best fruit imaginable - so I totally get it.

Daddy and I did the unimaginable and left the country for 4 whole days this month. Grandma & Grandpa V and Bucky came up to take care of you and your sister. Apparently you were a sweetheart, taking your bottles like a pro, sleeping far better than you ever do for us, and enjoying the attention lavished upon you. It was so hard to leave - if it wasn't a free trip to Mexico in the final throes of winter, I'm not sure I would have gone. Again, I took it much harder than you did. You independent little thing.

This month also brought about your obsession with walking. Any chance you get, you'll grip onto my fingers and just start motoring towards whatever/whoever tickles your fancy. You've gotten quite good and can even stand for a second or two unassisted before starting to topple. I keep encouraging you to use the little push-walker, but you have absolutely no interest as of yet.

That being said - crawling is still a non-issue. You are starting to roll and scoot a bit more - but crawling seems like it may never happen. My back needs a break from all the assisted walking though - so we'll be "working on" your crawling this month...

Because - oh the frustration! You know when you want something. And to watch the frustration in your face when you flail and "air swim" to try and get there - oh it's comical and yet endearing, because you, my love, have a Temper. Yes, mastering the ability to craw would make everyone much happier I think.

You have also started "talking" so much more. We hear "da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da" all day long. I get the odd ma-ma-ma-ma -- usually when you're annoyed or grumpy or upset about something. "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba" has started to come out often too - I'm not sure if you mean bottle just yet, or just making sounds - but it's amazing to watch the words starting to form. You are going to be a chatterbox just like your sister - I'd bet the farm on that.

You're also learning sign language and you're already signing "all done" and "more" quite well - not consistently, but definitely when you want to get your point across. And you love the baby signing classes - you flirt with the teacher and try to "kiss" the little boy sitting next to you - I wish we had more baby classes to take you to, as you so love being around little ones your age.

Oh my Katiebear - you are turning into such a little girl - still so much baby, and yet I can see your personality poking through more and more and more.

I can't wait to see what this month brings - you are our sunshine - filling up the days with brightness.

Now, just learn to sleep, would you? Please?

Love,
Mommy

Sigh of relief

Wow it's been a while and I've been silent. I do that when I don't like life - just kind of hibernate and deal with the now and my energies don't extend to complaining quite as vocally. Which is in direct contrast as to how I deal with minor hiccups - I'm usually quite a loud, complainy, bitch.

But now I can talk to you again, because on Monday we received word back on Katie's test results (the doc's office actually called me to give me the results over the phone! How refreshingly helpful is that?)... she passed them all and we're in the clear. We have a final follow up appointment with the pediatrician to wrap up the assessment and I'm guessing for us to ask any final questions, but yeah, we're done with the worry.

She is, as we hoped, just a tiny little thing.

Which she makes up for in massive attitude. Totally my girl...

xxoo.S

PS - I have to add - all the tests were performed at Toronto Sick Kids and W.O.W. is all I can say. Yes, there's a LOT of money put into that hospital - but it was the employees that we encountered that made a stressful visit just so much easier. They were all brilliant with Katie, brilliant with me - encouraging, efficient, comforting - pretty much everything you could hope for in a situation like that. What an incredible hospital with incredible staff.

This isn't an easy post to write

We had our follow up pediatrician appointment yesterday - Katie is still not gaining weight at any progressive rate that makes the doctor happy. Our little 8 month old weighed in at 14 lbs 2 ounces - which is actually down 2 ounces from when we were at the doctor a few weeks ago when she was sick.

Awesome possum.

And so - now we have to do tests. Start ruling things out (hopefully). Start loading up her food with butter or full-fat cream. And offer formula only.

There's the rub for me. That little sentence, "Oh - and quit the breastfeeding, now's the time for formula only." cut through me like a knife.

And I know it's best for her. And it's not about me. And regardless I shouldn't feel guilty. And we breastfed for 8 months and thats something to be proud of. And. And. And...

I don't get it - that I could breastfeed my first so easily, without issues and while she was tiny, she was always roly-poly. Smack dab between the 10th and 25th percentiles, never a cause for concern. Always a great eater. It makes no sense that I have trouble breastfeeding my second. It's supposed to get easier over time, not harder.

And yet - that's the best I can hope for. That somehow my milk is nutritionally deficient and that I'm at the root of this, because the alternatives could be far worse and I'm not even going there yet, because we have visits to Sick Kids and tests to run and bottles to push and extra-caloric butter to add to mashed potatoes right now.

That's where my focus is and needs to be. The future will tell us what the future will hold. No point in worrying about it now.

The silver, ironic little lining?

We came home from the appointment, she was EXHAUSTED and drank a 4 ounce bottle before her nap like it was no big deal. Of course she did, right? Because we haven't been fighting with her to take a bottle for 5 months or anything. Maybe she saw the determination in my eye. Or pure panicking desperation...

Regardless - she's taken 4 bottles thus far - all 3-4 ounces at a time. So we are doing what we can do for now.

xxoo.S

Bright shiny star

Even in my sleep-deprived grumpy bear-like state, I could help but brag about this...

That's right. She's a fucking genius.

xxoo.S

3am

The deepest part of night. Where things still go bump and boo and you can't be convinced that the shadow is just a shadow.

It's a time of night when thoughts get dark - things are bigger, worse, more troubling, more concerning - nothing is as it seems and everything seems as it shouldn't.

Rambling internal monologue is depressing and veers into the fantastical. Reality is tenuous and sleep is like a forgotten dream.

And through it all, there is a little person who needs you. For comfort. For snuggles.

She is your rock. Your grounding reality. Her eyes stare into yours, wide and dark pools of blackness - trusting you to be her rock.

And so you swallow your anger. Your self-pity. You find reserves that do not need sleep. And you hum one more lullaby...

xxoo.S

The Binky Fairy

I'm not sure if I've ever really explained what was (WAS - we'll get to that in a second!) Maddie's obsession with pacifiers (binkies in our house). She used them from like, the first week I think? She was a baby who NEEDED a binky. Otherwise she'd get all screamy and irritating.

As she got older, the hold on binkies got stronger. She used them all.the.time. We were those parents with a kid in the grocery store talking around her binky. We started to get comments and jabs from random strangers, well-meaning friends and family -- "So when do you think she'll be ready to give those up?" we'd be asked -- answer? Never. She would never give these up if given the choice.

The past, oh? YEAR or so has been a nightly routine of rounding up every binky she owned - between 6 and 8 - she always slept with one in her mouth and one clutched tightly in each hand. And if you were REALLY good she'd favour you with a binky rub. That's a rub of the pacifier up and down your cheek - it... well, I never really got what she got out of this - but it was her comfort thing.

So yes, in a nutshell - she was hooked.

I think it was filling out the kindergarten registration forms that did it. Seeing as she'll still only be 3 when she starts class in the fall, it's already so scary. But sending a binky-obsessed 3 year old? She'd get tossed out. Or ridiculed or something equally horrendous and guilt-inducing.

So we started talking up the "Binky Fairy". You know, the fairy that comes and leaves a fantastically wonderful gift if you leave all your binkies for her...

Never heard of her? Think Tooth Fairy but pimped out for maximum bribery leverage.

Maddie was all over this idea and she loved that the Binky Fairy would then give out her binkies to other little baby boys and girls that needed them.

My child is nothing if not altruistic -- seriously, she's such a good person I wonder who her real mother is sometimes.


She started bringing up the Binky Fairy in regular conversation. Even (handily) started telling me what she was going to be leaving for Maddie as a present when she gave up her binkies.

Ironically - it was fairies... I'm not sure why this amused me.


And so, this past weekend, we rounded up all the binkies in the house, put them in a lovely little box with a note from Maddie on the front. Tied it up with ribbon (what? I like my presentations) and left it at the front door before she went to bed.

Getting to sleep was difficult that night - but once she was finally down, she stayed there - all night. And in the morning there was a massive package waiting on the front step for her. Fairies - lots of them. And a little fairy kitchen set thing to go in the fairy house we've been making together.

Oh yes - we've been making a fairy house. I didn't have kids to not play and craft and make things, okay?

The gift went down a bomb. Especially the glittery hand-written thank you note from the Binky Fairy. That's been carted around and enjoyed almost as much as the actual gift.

And through all this? Zero tears. Kind of anti-climatic really - I mean, did I underestimate her obsession or is it the level-headed Libra in her that has simply accepted her fate?

Who cares. I'm just so happy to finally be on the other side of it.

xxoo.S

Eight Months

Dear Katie,

I write this while you slumber upstairs - sleep has been a challenge this month. You've been sick. You're teething. You're more aware now. And I give in - each and every time. But cuddles at 3am can sometimes be so nice (if I wasn't so bloody tired at the time). I'm hoping your teeth come soon - but I've learned (from your sister) that a watched pot never boils and have tried not to obsess over them too much.

Another challenge has been food. You hate baby food. HATE it. Where did you get this strong personality from, hmmm? And thus, far earlier than I planned, you have started on finger foods.  Banana chunks dusted in pulverized cheerios. Pasta pieces from my chicken noodle soup. Rice, mashed potatoes, toast, pizza crust - you are a carb-o-holic my little tiny thing.

And yes, you are still very tiny, off the scale in weight on the growth charts at just 14 lbs 4 ounces (although that weight was taken at the doctor's office while we were both quite sick from a nasty cold). It's a bit worrying - but you don't look skinny - just tiny, with chunk-a-monk thighs. In the meantime, I feed you avocado almost daily trying to fatten you up...

You love playtime and your new favourite thing is to "walk" with Daddy. I never really gave much credence to the whole "walk before they could crawl" baby stories - but this may be you... With no interest in crawling and whole lot of protesting whenever you're on your belly on the playmat, I'm not sure how you're even going to learn to crawl. And yet, you're so happy to be cruising around holding our hands or the furniture. I think you see your sister running circles around you and you just want to get up into the action!

We start baby signing classes this coming week - I think you're going to love being around other babies, since you take the opportunity to SCREECH at any babies you see while we're out shopping. And I'm looking forward to getting out of the house just the two of us.

What else to say about 8 months monkey? You are strong willed, you are inquisitive, you are a flirt (with Daddy mainly - you only have eyes for him once he gets home from work), you are a hard audience (but I can get a giggle or two daily from you if I try hard enough), you are easily frustrated and will be very happy to be mobile soon - you are a 5 year old trapped in an 8 month old's body.

Don't grow up too fast okay? I still want to enjoy your babyhood - trust me, there's lots of time for the running, skipping, jumping you seem to want to do. Baby steps...

We love you, our little Katiebear, so very much.

Love,
Mommy